The Conspiracy of Radical English

The Timing of Osama bin Laden’s Death?
A Plot to Replace Your Budweiser with Earl Grey Tea!

The X-Files' Deepthroat isn't the man that told me the truth about bin Laden, the United States government and Radical English ... or was he?So, the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden begs the question, why now? I’m not normally a conspiracy theorist by nature. I’m even convinced there was a moon landing; those laser retroflectors on the moon that scientists around the world have used for the last several decades weren’t put there by aliens (or were they? Maybe every scientist in the world is in on it!).

But as a trained and practicing journalist – I went to a special school and everything – I’m prone to asking questions and finding answers.

So why has it taken a decade? Well, dear gentle ignorant reader, the U.S. government – the real one, the U.S. Shadow GovernmentTM, not the fake one in Washington D.C. – has known where Bin Laden was all along. It simply bided its time until it was most opportune politically to take out its former tool.

So why now? As always, it was the damn English (note I didn’t say British – the Scottish, Welsh, Irish, et. al. are just helpless pawns crushed under the heel of Downing Street’s British Isles hegemony). Sure, the English are supposed to be our pals, our bosom buddies against the bad guys, right – Churchill, WWII and all that? But Radical English has been the problem all along – our Founding Fathers knew this of course, which is why we fought the American Revolution. But we’ve lost our way over the years — the American WayTM.

See, the whole War on Terror is actually just a smokescreen for radical elements in the English government to cover up their attempts to reclaim the British Empire. With the fall of the Soviet Union, there was no unifying boogeyman to unify (read, distract) the other Western Powers, so Radical English had to invent one: enter one Osama bin Laden. Thus, with the fictitious spectre of violent terrorism distracting the East and the rest of the West, this left Radical English free to engage in their covert war to reclaim the Empire’s lost glory.

Cricket? Where the hell is first base? WTF? Before you know it, we’ll be drinking tea and crumpets instead of Budweiser, hot dogs and apple pie and singing God Save the Queen – the original version, not the ironic Sex Pistols one. One year it will be the World Series you’ll be watching on TV, the next it will be cricket. Did you really think you could trust a culture whose national past time is named after a noisy bug? Instead of going out for burritos from Taco Bell when you and your friends are knackered, you’ll be headed out for a curry and mushy peas.

The British are coming, again! Mushy freakin’ peas, America! Is that what you want? We’re Americans, we eat mashed potatoes, dammit (except when we’re drunk or stoned, then we eat fake Mexican food. But that’s beside my cloudy, nebulous point)!

When will this happen? Dear gentle ignorant reader, it’s already begun. It’s been going on for years. What do you think the Beatles were about … really? The British Invasion was more aptly named than we ever realized. Conspiracy theories? More distractions planted by the agents of Radical English to distract you, America!

So, now you’re asking yourself, what does this have to do with Osama bin Laden and the timing of his death? Just wait for it; as a noob conspiracy theorist I’m new at this, but it’s my understanding that I have to do a significant amount of incoherent ranting and raving that’s only tangentially related – at best – to the subject at hand before I draw a completely illogical and only remotely related conclusion.

Kate and William: bow to your Royal British Overlords as they serve you mushy peas, America!See, what has everyone – everyone in America – been talking about for the past week or so? What English cultural event? Even though we haven’t – supposedly – been part of the commonwealth (Radical English’s sly term for Empire) for a few centuries? That’s right, the British Royal Wedding. All week long, wherever you went – bars, restaurants, coffee shops, etc. – there were red-blooded (or were they stiff-upper lipped blue bloods?) Americans yammering on and on about Kate and some balding git (git – see, it’s already started) whose – supposedly (see what I’m doing there?) a licensed rescue pilot, or so the Radical English press keeps telling us, blithely skipping over the fact that he would ascend to the throne of the would-be-again British Empire.

See, unlike us, the Radical English know they don’t need troops to reclaim their Empire; they just need culture. If we were smart, we would have been dropping Playboys and Playstations on Afghanistan and Iraq, along with commemorative plates of Jenna Bush’s wedding, instead of predator drones and bombs. But no. While we’ve been distracted with a conventional war, Radical English has been busy planting reactionary seeds on U.S. soil.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE QUOTE-UNQUOTE TEA PARTY IS REALLY ABOUT!? The U.S. Tea Party … the English drink tea … the original tea party started the American Revolution … do I need to draw you a map, people? The Tea Party is just another fake front to hide the machinations of Radical English! Wake up America! Mushy peas!

Finally Getting to the Point(y Head)

Kate and William's royal wedding: here is the insidious evidence of a covert culture war.Fortunately, I’m not the only one that sees what the wily Radical English are up to – the U.S. Shadow Government obviously monitors Google, and noticed that searches for “royal wedding” were getting abnormally high – spiking way beyond normal. Something had to be done before the Union Jack was flying over the White House and the Washington Monument was replaced by a replica of Big Ben.

Mushy peas! No!

See, most conspiracy theorists would say we “found” bin Laden “now” to distract from President Obama’s plummeting popularity, sky-rocketing gas prices, ecological/climate Armageddon etc. – those are all just clever parts of the actual Radical English conspiracy to reclaim the Empire – as is what you think of as the legitimate U.S. Government.

You’ve all been going on about Obama being Muslim … but he’s actually a Loyalist. A Tory! Benedict Obama!

Remember you heard it here first.

I want to believe the Nigels are coming! Beware the mushy peas!

Disclaimer to Teh Internets

This is obviously a work of parody. I don’t actually believe any of this; it’s all rubbish put here to amuse myself and my friends. Some of my friends are even English, and I actually like English beer – Sammy Smith’s Nut Brown Ale comes to mind, or Newcastle – although Irish beer, namely Guinness, is still the best (although the Scottish have the best whisky; it should always be spelled without the “e”). I even don’t mind mushy peas now and again, albeit with bountiful amounts of salt and pepper. And fish and chips with lots of vinegar? Yum.

Or was this disclaimer put here by Radical English? Maybe I’m just a pawn of the conspiracy.

Trust no one.